Part 3. Transformation
It was my fifth ceremony of Ayahuasca. I was lying on the bed waiting for visions. That time instead of coming outside the changes started happening inside me. I suddenly felt that my head turned out to be a head of a wild beast. I realized having tigers' or lions' teeth. Then I started examining all my body and I found out it was an animal body. I was a big strong predator from a cat family.
I thought I was a tiger, which I associated mostly with strenth. The next day I presumed to be more like a lioness or a puma. So, being an animal I was sleeping comfortably curled up with the head on my paws until the moment when some shadows hovering around woke me up. At the beginning the shadows were distant and unclear but as they approached me I could see they were animies who wanted to kill me. I was frightened and tried not to pay attention to the visions. I wanted to hide from them but it was impossible. I even tried to turn on the lantern and get up but a strange force put me back onto the bed as if it were an invisible hand that pressed me down. The shadows were approaching and surrounding me. And suddenly I felt a small flame of fury which started burning up inside me.
I felt my body of a beast and realized being very strong. I didn’t have to escape as I was much stronger than the shadows. I started roaring at them at the beginning silently and then more and more loudly. The shadows halted not daring approach me. They were hovering some distance away from me deciding which technique to choose. I understood it wasn’t enough just to resist I had to get up and send them off. As if being a little kitten I was learning to raise on my trambling paws which didn’t obey and were slipping apart. I was learning to manipulate my new body. I was learning to move, run and lie down on the ground before the jump.
Once I felt myself more confident in the new body I released a loud roar and started to attack the shadows trying to catch and tear them apart until I kicked all of them away. Then my visions disappeared, I calmed down and went to bed. But it was just the beginning. New anemies kept coming being either animals or people, horrible monsters or crowds of people and animals. While they were approaching and attacking me from differend sides I was rushing among them defending myself and fighting them back. I was tearing them apart with my nails and teeth until they were disappearing or running away. I was catching and killing those who hadn’t escaped.
I was learning to burn the beast’s fury inside me which made me bigger, stronger and more furious. Then I was attacked by hosts of people carrying different weapons. Having noticed the host I jumped onto the place where I could have a good view of their strategy to find their weak points. I rushed there and started to crash the troop from inside which caused panic and those who were still alive lost their courage and ran away.
Everything happened during that ceremony was absolutely real as if being in the parallel reality. I couldn’t stop those visitions, escape from them or think about anything else. The people who attacked me were absolutely real and if I had stopped resisting they would have killed me. At the same moment a tiny part of my consciousness stayed in the ordinary human reality where I might look like a total psycho if watched from outside. I was trashing about in my bed, I was getting on my fours, I was grinning and roaring, I was bending down and jumping up, I was catching the air with my teeth. I looked really funny so I thought Ayahuasca definitely had a great sense of humor.
Then staying in the animal body I was learning to get rid of my human habits. I examined all of them from outside until I realized that most things I didn’t do on my own will. The habbits had been imposed from outside and I had never shown my own will.
In fact I don’t need any habbits. They just force me to be imprisoned in the mesh where I stay without noticing it and doing the same repeated useless actions instead of doing something for myself. At the moments of awakening the protest woke inside me “I don’t want to do somebody's bidding!" “I will decide myself how to live!” I started to tear apart the habbit with my teeth and nails and set me free. I got rid of smoking, drugs, dancing, night clubs, the fear to embarrass other people, the desire to please everybody.
I got shocked of the habbits which I considered to be my hobbies and dreams. I have always loved animals especially dogs, which I believed to be my vocation, but it also turned out to be a habbit imposed from outside. The very first books which I read in my life (not taking into account the ABC book) happened to be the three volumes “Animal World" by Akimushkin and they defined my passion for animals for the whole life. My first dog was Amur, a chained watchdog, which didn’t let me stroke it and slightly bit me no to bother it.
Later there were a lot of dogs which I caressed and petted. In fact, my desire to pet the very first dog transformed into an unsated thirst which all the other dogs couldn’t satisfy despite my love for them. The inexhaustible source of my unsatisfied thirst goes back to that very event.
After that I looked through the moments of my life when I had hesitated or been frigtened and embarrassed trying to awaken the strength of a wild beast. I realized having that wild strong animal inside me. At the same time I was in the past and took part in those events. But that time I wasn’t led by the fears, the burning ball of the strength inside directed me and I managed to find the way out and overcome those who I had used to be afraid of.
Then a jaguar appeared. He came out of the forest and like a bored professor at the exam sat on the edge without looking at me. I understood it was really like an exam and I had to defeat him. I started grinning and roaring and we were going in circles around each other. I was trying to find his weak point but there wasn’t any. He seemed to be made of steal. It was obvious for me that if I rushed into a fight I would lose.
I was getting bigger in size to defeat him while he was getting smaller until he turned into a mouse and started running between my legs mocking me. I tried to catch him but in vane as he was too quick and his reaction was much better then mine. Then I started shrinking and also turned into a mouse. I explained him which territory was his and which one was mine and with the power of eye contact I started pulling him back. When I managed to pull him back to the edge he again turned into the jaguar and disappeared in the forest. It was the end of the visions. Thinking over the fight with the jaguar I understood why I hadn’t been able to win.
He wasn’t just strong, he was lissom and good at dodging and stepping back in time. As soon as I realized it he came back being not flash and blood but a sparkling shadow. That time he attacked me and I was learning to dodge and step back. When I stopped making mistakes and managed to hang in for a long time without touching him he went away. It’s better to say he disappeared. It was the last vision. I thanked him for the lesson and heard his encouradging purring from the forest. He semed to say that I was good at learning.
The next day there was an omen. I always considered myself to be a materialist but that time it was impossible not to understand it. Ants-invaders came to me. They appeared from the forest from behind of my house spreading around and stealing nymphs of other ants. They invaded the territory the size of a playground. Their strategy was obviously winning. They were moving in a vast noncontinuous line devided into groups and rows. While one group was attacking an anthill the ants which were trying to escape were bumping upon the near-by rows.
They seemed to be netting the neighborhood. They were not killing all the ants just those which were fighting back. The nymphs were their target so they acted accurately in a well-coordinated manner without wasting their strength on useless killing. Although I spent half a day in the very center of the fight they didn’t bother me as I was of no interest for them. It was a very clear illustration of the force which Ayahuasca taught me at night.
The shaman told me they were the fire ants. The captured nymphs they used to bring up labor ants which worked for the benefit of their invaders.
There were other ceremonies of Ayahuasca where I turned into an animal. Once I was learning to be lissom and quickly make decisions. I was a jaguar. Thick walls made of bricks were approaching me trying to squash me and I had to find the way out and dodge. Then there were sharp pins darting towards me and I was dodging and wriggling, jumping over and crawling below them.
Then irregularly-shaped pieces of iron started falling upon me. They were of different size with sharp pointed edges. At the end dragons came and started breathing fire on me while I was dodging from the jets of flame. At first it was very difficult for me as I had to move to rescue my life but after a while I got hooked and began to enjoy my plasticity. It looked as if I were dancing with the attacker. It was a deathful but exhilarating dance. And in the real world I was jumping like a psycho on my bed.
From time to time I could see tunnels infront of me. There was one or many of them, they could be the same or of different forms. I had to make a decision and jump into one of them. While I was thinking which one to choose they were disappearing. They were appearing unpredictably so an immediate decision was needed to jump into a tunnel in time. When at last I managed to jump into the right tunnel my trail was over.
Part 5. Sense of life
17. Jun. 2019
Ayahuasca – my first experience. One month with a shaman in Peruvian jungle
15. Dec. 2018
Part 1. The first trip to the knowledge and the experience of death
15. Dec. 2018
Part 2. Getting rid of the fears and the arrangement of the world
15. Dec. 2018
Part 3. Transformation
15. Dec. 2018
Part 4. Love
14. Dec. 2018